


There's a Light That Never Goes Out

by sub_divided



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Developing Relationship, Gon and Killua are 16, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Minor Character Death, Post-Series, Reunion Fic, Urban Setting, alluka is 15, and the characters' problems are very similar to our problems, it's complicated - Freeform, it's my essay about growing up in the form of a hunter ex hunter fanfic, written with the idea that the HxH world is very similar to our world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-10-06 19:42:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20512439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sub_divided/pseuds/sub_divided
Summary: "Why didn’t Alluka come?” Gon asked. They’d raced to the top of a small hill in a nearby city park, and spent a moment admiring the view of the business district skyline before sitting down in the grass close together.“She wanted to stay with friends,” Killua said. “She makes friends easily, like you.”“So do you,” Gon pointed out. “You became my friend really easily.”“That's because you're you.”“And you're you.”It was a bit awkward to actually talk about these things and not just sweep them all under the rug. That was one reason why, when Leorio had first suggested this reunion, Killua had been reluctant to agree. But he’d also felt it was time to stop running - either he and Gon would still have their rapport from when they’d been children, or they wouldn’t. Either way, he needed to rip this band-aid off - he needed toknow.***This story was inspired by a lamppost in my neighborhood that's always on, even during the middle of the day.





	There's a Light That Never Goes Out

“That was really fun!” Gon said. “We should do it again!”

“I agree, this was a good idea,” Kurapika said. “It's been such a long time since we've all seen each other... thank you for suggesting we meet here, Leorio.”

“Did my ears deceive me? A compliment, from Kurapika?” Leorio puffed up. 

Sensing that he was about to become even more full of himself, Kurapika quickly deflected him. “Don’t get used to it. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.”

“Is that some obscure Kurta saying?”

“It means that even idiots have good ideas sometimes,” Killua told him. 

“I know what it means, and watch who you’re calling an idiot, brat. I speak more languages than you and I’ve been on this earth seven years longer than you.” 

“Idiot,” Killua stuck out his tongue. It was such a classic Killua move - and so uncharacteristic of the cautious young man who’d become almost a guardian to his  
younger sister at the age of thirteen - that it made Kurapika smile. 

It was good to know that however much they’d aged - however many adult responsibilities they’d willingly taken on themselves - some things could still stay the same. 

More or less. 

“Everyone’s hotel is nearby, right? Let’s meet again tomorrow by the streetlight that’s always on!” Gon said. 

Killua scoffed, but there was no heat to it. If anything it was an affectionate scoff. “Leave it to you to not describe things like a normal person,” he said. 

“How does a normal person describe things?” Gon asked, seemingly genuinely curious. 

“With street names,” Killua said. 

“Really? There was only one street on Whale Island...”

“And there weren’t any streets on the Zoldyck estate, and yet, I still know that.”

Gon furrowed his brow. “I think it started with an S...”

“Corner of Smith and Holden,” Killua told him.

“If you knew that why’d you give me such a hard time...”

“Maybe you two should go alone,” Leorio cut in. “I have some Hunter Association business to take care of tomorrow, unfortunately. I’ll be holed up in my hotel room writing reports and taking phone calls all day.”

“It's my personal day and I want to relax,” Kurapika said. “No offense. I appreciate all of you coming here to meet me, but I need to pick up my suit from the dry cleaners and run a few other errands. I’ll be free at the end of the week for anything we decide to do as a group, though.”

“That’s fine with me,” Gon said. “Killua?”

Killua seemed nervous, but tried to play it cool. “Yeah sure,” he said. “We can meet tomorrow.” 

“Good, it’s settled!” Leorio said. “Now come here, and let me hug all of you one last time before Friday...”

***

Gon and Killua met at the streetlight at the corner of Smith and Holden, and then without discussing it, picked a random direction to walk in. Kurapika lived in a nice (expensive) part of town and it was fun just to wander through the neighborhood, admiring the landscaped gardens of the new modern-style houses and peering into the gentrified first floor shops. 

“Why didn’t Alluka come?” Gon asked during a pause after they’d left the neighborhood. They’d raced to the top of a small hill in a nearby city park, and spent a moment admiring the view of the business district skyline before sitting down in the grass close together. 

“She wanted to stay with friends,” Killua said. “She makes friends easily, like you.” 

“So do you,” Gon pointed out. “You became my friend really easily.”

“That's because you're you.”

“And you're you.”

It was a bit awkward to actually talk about these things and not just sweep them all under the rug. That was one reason why, when Leorio had first suggested this reunion, Killua had been reluctant to agree. But he’d also felt it was time to stop running - either he and Gon would still have their rapport from when they’d been children, or they wouldn’t. Either way, he needed to rip this band-aid off - he needed to _know_. 

They’d talked some online but it just wasn’t the same. 

So far, Gon didn’t seem to have changed much. Killua knew that he _had_ changed, a lot - but when he was with Gon, he seemed to automatically revert to the person he’d been back then, and so they still fit together easily, even if Killua couldn’t shake the feeling that something they’d once had was lost and wouldn’t be that easy to get back. 

His worst fear - that it would be unbearably awkward and they’d have nothing to talk about - was thankfully proving to be completely untrue. They gossiped about the people they knew well - what Gon’s family and Alluka had been up to. Where they were at with their _nen_ training. Hunter Association gossip and scuttlebutt, especially about the Hunters they’d met on their journey. 

It was all surprisingly easy. Killua had agreed to meet partially because he’d known Leorio and Kurapika would be there as a buffer - and he’d been prepared to drag Alluka away from her online friends too, if he’d had to. But none of that had been necessary. Gon was still Gon. They were still themselves. 

***

If Gon thought that Killua was better at keeping in touch with their mutual friends, he kept that thought to himself. Gon knew that he made friends easily; but in his estimation he left them behind just as easily. The next time he saw someone, they’d be friends again, but until then it was out-of-sight, out-of-mind. Especially when he had other things on his mind, or was troubled by something. Killua was slower to warm up but he didn’t let people go like that, he was much more loyal.

It was a quality Killua couldn’t see in himself, although Gon could see it clearly. Then again, there were probably qualities Gon possessed that only Killua could see clearly. 

The sun was on its way down, soon it would be behind the skyline. Gon was a wilderness person but he was interested in how the city planners had tried to mimic nature in their layout of the park. All the plants in the gardens were native to the region and they were jumbled together as if they'd grown that way naturally, although they had probably been planted. 

The easiest place to see the park’s careful planning, though, was in the creek that ran through it: the shores were carefully lined with rock and alternating sections of still pools and rapids were built in at regular intervals. The water couldn't rush where it wanted, it was made to follow a set path so that it wouldn’t erode or overflow the banks. It reminded Gon that whenever he came out of the woods, he needed to temper his personality - to hold back on his impulses. 

"Hey Killua, are you doing anything tomorrow?" 

"Why, what were you thinking?" Killua answered. 

He had his hands behind himself and was leaning back on them, very casually. It was exactly the kind of answer he would have given when they were children, seeking out Gon's opinion before expressing his own preference. 

But Gon had seen the result of this attitude taken all the way to its most extreme, most tragic logical endpoint and he was determined to not repeat his mistakes of the past.

"Nuh uh, I asked you first," he said, and stuck out his tongue. 

That got a smile from Killua. "Fair enough," he said. "Alluka and I discussed a few things, but I think she's a little tired of me honestly. She ditched me for her internet friends as soon as we got here." He said it casually but if Gon knew Killua, he knew that Killua was actually hurt about it.

"Is that safe?" Gon asked. Personally he loved meeting new people but he knew Killua was more cautious, especially when it came to Alluka. 

"I checked them out, they seem all right," Killua said. "And she's right that I can't keep watching over her forever. Anyway, it's taken care of so don't worry about it."

The way he said it lead Gon to believe there was something guaranteeing Alluka's safety that Killua wasn't telling him; but that was his choice and Gon didn't have the right to pry.

"OK Killua," he said. "But, I'm sure she's not tired of you. She's probably just excited to meet her friends."

Killua smiled at that and Gon felt the warmth - the old feeling of pride at being someone special to Killua who could affect his moods by saying the right thing at the right moment. 

"How about this," Killua said. "I'll hang out with Alluka and her friends tomorrow, and you can take me out the day after that. OK?"

_You can take me out_. The words hung in the air, possibly more telling than Killua had meant them to be. Gon was fully aware of the potential for the moment to become awkward, but he wanted Killua to be comfortable so he decided to just ignore it.

"Deal," he said, and went in for the first bump. 

***

Gon hardly knew what to do with himself the next day; but he forced himself to walk around, to get to know the city better. His mind worked better when his feet were moving. 

The following morning, he walked the mile and a half to Killua and Alluka's hotel.

Over the phone, Killua had explained that he and Alluka were slow starters in the morning and would probably not be ready when he got there. Gon had assumed that Alluka would be the slower person but she answered the door right away when Gon knocked. They sat in matching armchairs in the front sitting room of the hotel suite to wait for Killua. 

Actually Killua was the one who took longer in the morning, she explained; he was sensitive about his skin for the last few years and owned a surprisingly large number of expensive face creams. 

Gon and Alluka made small talk while Killua finished getting ready. Alluka was excited to talk about her friends and curious about what Gon had been up to. They chatted easily, switching rapidly from topic to topic. It was rare for Gon to meet someone who asked as many questions as he did; at least in this respect he and Alluka were really on the same wavelength.

When Killua finally emerged into the sitting room, he seemed embarrassed that Gon had been waiting for him but Gon just welcomed him with a fist and shoulder bump. Life was too short to be embarrassed about something so trivial, he figured. 

***

The three of them relocated to the lobby, waiting at the hotel bar for Alluka’s friends to come pick her up. Technically, Gon and Killua could have ordered something with alcohol as the drinking age in this city was sixteen; but Gon opted for water and Killua for a chocolate-banana milkshake. Alluka got lemon tea with honey. They picked up their conversation from the hotel room. 

"At first I would only do jobs with Kite's crew during the summer and on school breaks," Gon said. "But one of Kite's clients really liked me and referred me to a research lab, so now I do a lot of contract work looking for rare plants. Some of them are supposed to be good for your hair, skin and nails; Palm is always asking me to send her samples."

Killua winced slightly at the implicit comparison between himself and Palm; but he hid his reaction, knowing Gon hadn't meant anything by it. "It's not good to switch skincare products," he said. "If you really have skin problems, the best thing to do is stick with a routine."

"Really?" Gon said. "I didn't know that... I wonder if Palm knows."

"I wonder," Killua said, grimly. If he had to guess, he'd say Palm was blessed with naturally clear skin - like Gon himself. She probably just enjoyed trying new things, or used it as a focus for her other anxieties.

"It's helped us keep in touch, at least," Gon said. "I haven't... Been the best about that... Sorry, Killua."

"What? It's fine," Killua said. "I know you were busy with school. Anyway, you're not a writer; I wasn’t expecting you to keep up with the emails, to be honest."

"I meant to... Thank you for not giving up on me. I mean, when I stopped writing," Gon said.

"Huh? It's nothing... Alluka wrote half those emails, she pesters me for updates on the people she knows," Killua said. 

Alluka, sitting between them typing into her tablet, paused at the mention of her name and confirmed this before going back to the group chat on her screen. She appeared to have a very active online social life.

"Well, thank you Alluka," Gon said. "I'm glad BOTH of you didn't let me drift away. It really means a lot to me.” 

"No big deal," Killua said, hair falling forward over his eyes.

"Hey, let's get going, OK?"

***

As Killua had half-expected after the comment about Palm, Gon had planned out their whole day. They did a lot of walking, sometimes catching the bus, and went from neighborhood to neighborhood seeing things that were probably not on any travel guide: houses built from milk crates with recycled metal sculptures on the lawn; glass bottles arranged in a starburst pattern at the top of a long pole like a dandelion; a house with a million colorful sun-catchers hanging from all the windows and doors. 

Lots of places Gon took them to were neighborhood gardens open only on the weekends. It was currently Tuesday but they used zetsu to sneak in, the illicitness adding spice that Killua appreciated. Again he was reminded of Palm and somewhat disturbed by the comparison; but he pushed those feelings down. Gon was trying his best. _The city isn't really his area_, Killua thought. Still it was nice just to do things together with Gon. As the morning light lengthened into afternoon, Killua decided it was time to flip the script. 

"Let me show you something," he said. Gon readily agreed, as easy going as Killua remembered. 

Killua showed Gon his favorite place from the day with Alluka's friends: a shopping mall, but all the stores accepted arcade tickets as currency. He'd crushed Alluka's friends in all the games and felt bad; but Gon, despite not having grown up with video or arcade games, was much more on his level. 

They challenged each other to games of basketball, darts, archery, skeeball and shooting; Killua won them all, except, surprisingly, the shooting game, where Gon's laser focus and good eyesight gave him the advantage. 

And they played the cooperative games together. Whatever else might have happened to their friendship, their teamwork hadn’t suffered at all. 

Killua shouldn't have been surprised, really. They'd never had to work on their teamwork; it was just something that had come naturally to them from the second he'd asked to leave home to travel with with Gon. And Gon, in turn, was someone who clearly valued Killua's input and followed his lead without thinking about it. 

They had so much fun, neither wanted the day to be over. But as dusk turned to night, Gon had one more thing planned for Killua. They took the city bus out to a working class neighborhood on a hill overlooking the city, and Gon walked him through the dark streets until they came to a huge and clearly very old tree. 

The tree seemed not just older than the neighborhood around it, but much, _much_ older. Someone had strung lights along its massive trunk and hung crystal chandeliers from its large, twisted branches, all shining with a pure white light in the darkness. 

Killua was reminded, _again_, of Palm; but he was also touched and a bit overwhelmed by the ingenuity of the person who'd decorated the tree, and by Gon's ingenuity for finding it. In the glowing night, they climbed the branches together and just sat amidst the glittering lights, admiring the view of the city below. 

Again Gon had a way of making ordinary things seem magical. 

***

The day had cast a spell that neither of them wanted to break. 

"What if you spent the night with us?" Killua suggested. "Alluka was complaining that she didn't get to spend enough time with you yet."

Only Alluka? Gon thought. But he didn't want to voice the thought aloud; it seemed presumptuous. After the way they'd parted, he knew he had to be more careful around Killua. He didn’t want to assume anything or take anything for granted. "If you're sure..." He said.

Killua smiled softly. "I'm sure," he said. 

Back at the hotel, Gon realized that the suite Killua and Alluka had booked was much larger than he’d thought. That morning he’d only seen the outer sitting room; the whole thing was easily as large as his entire house on Whale Island (the first floor, at least). 

Also, past the outer room their hotel suite was a disaster area strewn with clothes, books and trinkets. 

Which one of them was the messy one? Killua saw Gon eyeing the mess speculatively. "It's Alluka," he told him. "She doesn't care what her room looks like. I think because she spends so much of her time in a virtual world, she doesn't really notice the real world that much. Well, but honestly I'm not that much better; we both grew up with butlers. I was just taught to keep all my things together so we'd be able to leave the rooms quickly once the jobs were over."

Gon was impressed, as always, by Killua's ability to analyze. "That's interesting," he said. "Aunt Mito always kept our house neat and tidy. I never really thought about it but I guess I’m the same."

"Yeah," Killua said. "Well, to be honest I don't really care about the mess, as long as she's happy. That's why I don't say anything to her about it. She has to pack everything up before we leave, though."

"That's how Aunt Mito was too; if I made a mess I had to clean it up," Gon said. 

They'd moved to the living room of Killua and Alluka's suite. A full kitchen took up one side of the room and on the other side, through an open door, Gon could see what must have been Killua's bedroom. It was neat, as he'd said, except for the bed. There were at least ten different outfits on the bed. Had Killua had trouble deciding what to wear this morning? That was surprisingly cute... 

"You wanna play a game?" Killua asked, during a lull in the conversation. "This is how Alluka and I pass the time on the road."

He taught Gon a card game. It involved math and Gon could barely grasp the rules; Killua was far better but Gon stubbornly refused to give up. They played ten rounds and he lost every round before Alluka got back. Then the three of them raided the hotel fridge and stayed up late, talking and playing games until the early hours of the morning.

Gon slept on the couch in the living room that night. 

***

The next day, Alluka declared that she wanted to hang out with them. Killua rented a car and they drove out of town, and hiked the mountain trails. This far out of the city, Gon could finally show off his _nen_ \- such as it was.

Alluka watched as Gon slowly cycled through the basic exercises. She was slowly awakening her micropiles, and Killua set her the task of observing and describing what she saw. Meanwhile, he asked if Gon could switch between _ten_, _ren_ and _zetsu_ more quickly. This wasn't something he had tried to do before and he became intensely focused on the challenge, eventually changing his aura state almost too quickly for Alluka to track. 

Almost, but not quite. She was quite proud of herself when she managed to call out each change as it happened and even the percent of Gon's aura he released. Killua just watched them, thinking. 

Gon's stamina was better than before and might even rival Killua's - he was going on an hour now and not even breathing hard. 

***

Once it became clear that he wouldn't catch Alluka out on speed, Gon switched to combinations - using_ ten_ and _ren_ together to strengthen his aura in a defensive _ken_ stance; and then gathering his aura in one spot and letting the aura ball flow flow from his fingertips through various parts of his body. Alluka was able to follow the movement of aura, but it was far from fluid and Killua frowned. 

Gon eventually moved his aura to the rock underneath him in _shu_, which threw Alluka for a loop for a moment until she figured it out; then he let his aura come back up through his body, but lost control of it at his knees. 

"It's much harder," he admitted to Killua, doubled over and panting. "I don't control it as well as I used to."

"Control was never your strong suit," Killua observed.

Yeah, but it's different now," Gon said, obviously frustrated. He kicked a rock with a burst of aura to one foot and seemed satisfied when it was launched like a missile off the side of the mountain and far out into the valley below. "Before, it was tough but after a while I could get a handle on it. I didn't really have to think about it. Now I need to think about _everything_, it’s like there’s a filter there."

"It's not any weaker," Killua observed. "If anything, I think you have more aura than before."

"Yeah, but it's frustrating not being able to control it the way I want to - especially because I could do it before," Gon said gloomily. He ran a hand through his hair and then gave Killua an apologetic smile. "But I don't mean to complain," he said. "I'm very, very grateful to have any _nen_ at all. I'm grateful to still be alive... I know I’m lucky that I get to be frustrated. 

"That's an interesting way to put it," Killua said, lightly. They both knew what Gon was talking about but those memories were sadder and more painful than what Killua was prepared to handle right now. 

Gon seemed as if he was on the verge of saying something more but Killua wasn't sure if he could take it. 

"You don't have to say it, Gon," he blurted out. 

"Yeah," Gon said. "I don't have to but I want to. Thank you Killua... And Alluka. Oh, and Nanika! Thank you Killua and Alluka and Nanika."

"Anytime!" Alluka said. "Though I don't really remember..."

Time to change the subject, Killua thought. "I'm sure you'll get it eventually," he told Gon. "You always were stubborn."

"Yeah," Gon said. "That's true."

***

After spending the day in training, Gon was too tired to even think about going back to his own hotel. Therefore, for the second day in a row Killua took Gon back to the hotel suite he shared with Alluka. During the drive back Alluka chatted with an obviously exhausted Gon in the back seat while Killua thought about the logistics. 

As kids, they'd gone weeks and months without changing their outfits. They'd lived rough, in the wilderness, and trained while living off the land, washing their only change of clothing in cold mountain streams. However, Killua had gotten accustomed to a more comfortable life with Alluka and he didn't want their hotel room to smell like Gon's sweat. That would drive him crazy, probably. Gon wouldn't say anything but he was a neat person; he'd probably also prefer to be clean.

When they got back to the hotel, Killua left Gon and Alluka chatting to rummage through his suitcase for something that would fit Gon. He was taller and thinner; Gon was broader with wider shoulders. Fortunately most of his clothing was loose and long. Eventually he found a soft blue-grey band t-shirt and a pair of fashionable purple sweatpants. 

"Yo Gon," he said, walking back into the main room. "You should shower, you reek. And you can wear these when you're done."

Gon tried to decline, but Alluka took Killua’s side and he was outnumbered. Eventually he gave up and took the clothes to the bathroom, with thanks. 

***

Gon was exhausted, but he couldn't fall asleep. The clothes were very soft and comfortable; and they smelled like Killua. 

The smell was driving him crazy and bringing back memories. You can't do this, he chided himself. His sensitive nose was generally a blessing but at times like this, it was a curse. He could tell that Killua smelled different from before; still sweet like someone who lived on sugar, but with a more musky scent underneath. It was probably the hormones that lead to the zits that lead to the face creams that was causing the musk. Even after being washed the smell was still there on his well-worn clothing. 

Set your mind to ignore this, Gon thought, and meditated until he fell asleep. 

***

“Looks like Kurapika and Leorio are free for dinner tonight,” Killua said, looking up from his Beetle phone. “We have some time to kill before then though… what do you want to do?”

Gon and Killua were seated in the suite living room, Gon on the floor in front of the couch and Killua perched on the couch arm above him. 

Alluka had made fun of them - or at least of Killua - on her way out to meet her friends earlier in the morning: the huge suite had enough seating for all three of them _and_ their evil twins to have a sit-down poker night. Killua had told her that sitting in chairs was for losers. 

“What do _you_ want to do, Killua?” Gon replied.

“I asked you first, dummy.”

“Yeah, and then I asked you.”

Killua let out his breath in a puff, blowing his bangs out of the way. “Honestly?”

“No, dishonestly… yeah honestly!”

Gon felt a bit irritable, he hadn’t slept well last night. And he was very aware of Killua’s free leg, swinging next to his shoulder while Killua’s other leg was tucked underneath him Indian-style. But he was doing his best to let none of that show.

“Honestly…” Killua looked up at the ceiling in thought. 

“Honestly, I don’t want to plan anything today. Sometimes I get tired of planning everything.”

“You’re good at it, though” Gon pointed out.

“So are you… I had a lot of fun these last two days, Gon.”

“Me too… but those weren’t all my plans, you know.”

“True… still, I don’t want to plan today. So, what do you want to do?”

Gon hesitated for a long moment. He felt he was about to be reckless, to open a box that maybe shouldn’t be opened. And not all because of his sudden attack of… whatever last night had been.

So far, he’d been very careful. But Gon felt that if he didn’t ask now, he’d regret it later. And Gon was tired of living his life with regrets.

“Would you.. want to spar?” he asked. 

From Killua, there was a long pause – and Gon might have imagined it, but he thought the leg by his shoulder stopped for a moment in its swing back and forth. He prepared himself to play it off and suggest something else.

“Okay,” Killua said.

***

Since Alluka wasn’t with them today, they decided to save some gas money by running the twenty miles out of town to the mountains. 

The run brought Gon back to the first time they’d met, at the Hunter exam. But this was not an even race. He could tell Killua was keeping his pace only to humor him. A few miles out, his friend put on a sudden burst of speed and left Gon’s field of vision entirely in a blinding flash of white-blue light, only to trot back later, grinning.

It was frustrating to see the gap between them but Killua was so cool, honestly.

***

They hiked to an out of the way plateau and set their water bottles down between some large rocks. The mountains in this area were reddish in color, rough to the touch, and brittle – easily destroyed by a stray punch or kick. 

They marked out a circle in an open space, away from the red rocks. 

At first the sparring match went smoothly. They traded blows without aura and the hits were regular, fast-paced. Killua was slightly better, but Gon had been working with Kite's crew and actually had something resembling a form now - not just a random collection of power moves and reflexes. They hit each other with _ten_ up and neither took any significant damage, or even managed to push the other out of the rough circle they’d etched in the loose dirt of the hilltop.

Still, again, Gon got the feeling that Killua was holding back. _I’ll never catch up to him_, he thought - not unless he decided to dedicate every spare moment to training, like Netero had.

And Gon wasn’t going to do that. He had Mito to take care of now, after all.

It wasn’t a big deal to be behind Killua's level, really. Killua was just really cool. 

***

The trouble came when they started integrating _ko_ into their forms.

Killua was reminded of their training exercises with Bisuke, when they’d practiced at half speed and tried to control the flow of their aura to specific body parts. Gon's control was very imperfect so they had to slow down even more now than they’d had to back then. 

Suddenly these weren't quick blows. Sometimes Killua moved an arm to block and had to wait five or ten seconds for Gon to painstakingly gather his nen to his fist. Sometimes he threw an achingly slow punch and had to wait 30 seconds for Gon to get his defense up. Gon didn't seem to have any trouble seeing aura but it seemed difficult for him to manipulate it.

This made Killua a little sad; but he was mostly sad for Gon as Gon seemed to get more and more frustrated. He waited for the outburst to come.  
It didn't come. Instead, Gon just let all the tension out of his body in a sudden slump and huffed his breath out resignedly.

“I'm told that once I do get this, I'll be as good as anyone,” he told Killua. “But sometimes I’m not sure I believe it.”

“What does it feel like?” Killua asked, curious.

He could use a distraction from the sparring with Gon, which required a lot of close contact for long periods of time. He’d found himself noticing all kinds of things...The muscles under Gon’s shirt, the restrained power in his strikes.

Stop it, he told himself. You’re just bored and letting your mind wander. He knew, in his heart, that it wasn't true. Gon was very good-looking, with clear eyes and strong hands. His eyebrows had a natural fine arch to them and he looked good with a slight sheen of sweat covering his body - his tank top just barely stuck to his skin, outlining the muscles underneath. 

And he'd innocently put himself in the position of letting Killua, his trusted childhood friend, put his hands all over him in the name of “training”.

Gon has no idea, he thought to himself glumly. 

And, if Killua had his way, that was how it would stay. Their vacation was almost over, after all. 

Gon thought for a bit. He wanted to answer the question and get back to sparring, but he was a little distracted. The whole time they’d been training, Killua had barely seemed to exert himself. Gon found himself irrationally wanting to push Killua - to see him sweaty and tired and out of breath like Gon was. And maybe smell that same musky scent that had kept Gon up all night…

Stop stop stop, he told himself.

Killua was observing him closely, could he tell what Gon was thinking right now? He’d always been so observant… he’d understood Gon better than Gon had understood himself, back then.

Oh right, the aura. Gon struggled to find the worlds. He'd never been the best at verbalizing his thoughts.

“It feels like... I know, in theory, what I'm supposed to do. But the muscle memory is not there like before.”

“How was it before?” Killua asked.

“Before, I didn’t know what to do... And then suddenly, I did. You know the moment when you’re learning to read, and then the symbols just… turn into words?” 

“I learned to read before I was two,” Killua said. “So I don’t really remember.”

“That's because you're a genius,” Gon said patiently. “Anyway, I remember what that moment was like. I didn't have to do anything special... Abe would…”

He paused, feeling emotional. Thinking about how he wanted to word this, how much he wanted to say. Keep it short, this isn't the time to get into your problems, he thought. 

“Abe and Mito read stories to me, and I memorized them,” he said, eventually. 

“Then one day, I was pretend-reading one of my picture books to Kon, and I realized that I knew what all the symbols on the page meant. Learning nen was like that.”

“You need a phonics program,” Killua told him.

“Phon...ics?”

“It’s a system where each symbol is broken down into the sound it makes and you learn them one by one… You need each action broken down and explained to you. And then to practice them one by one.”

“Huh...”

“It's not how most hunters teach _nen_,” Killua said. “Because hunters are exceptional people, right? They're people with extraordinary abilities in who are skilled in many areas. They just pick things up without needing a lot of explanation.”

“I hadn’t thought about it that way before,” Gon said. “We were both the same… I mean we learned at the same pace. I’d thought it was the same for everyone.”

“Nope,” Killua said. “Wing was pretty freaked out by how quickly we learned, remember? And when he was teaching us, he didn’t tell us what to do, he just asked us to describe what we felt and told us it was different for everyone. We had to figure it out ourselves. And Bisuke just gave us tasks to do without explaining how to do them.”

Gon thought about it for a long moment. Killua could practically see the mental gears turning as the pieces fell into place. Gon’s lack of self-awareness had been something he’d been fascinated by back then – so different from Killua’s sense of being watched and judged all the time. 

It wasn’t that Gon was not smart, but that his way of thinking was very different. He was much more in tune with the things around him than he was with himself. 

“Can you teach me, Killua?” Gon asked. “I mean, only if you want to.”

Killua snorted. “Fat chance,” he said. “I don’t understand how any of this stuff works; I just do it.”

“You're so good at explaining things though.”

“I just analyze the overall pattern, I don't actually know what's going on. But you know who might be able to help?”

“Who?”

“Kurapika.” 

“Why Kurapika?” Gon asked. They’d wanted Kurapika to teach them before, but it had been a dead end.

“You need a non-hunter teacher,” Killua explained. “Someone who's used to working with average talents.”

“… thanks, Killua,” Gon said. 

“You’re welcome,” Killua said with a grin. “But seriously. The problem is that it's illegal for non-hunters to learn nen… No... Not illegal.... Taboo. They aren’t even supposed to know about it. And yet, all of those mafia guys know nen, right? That means they must have a way to teach it. If you asked, I bet Kurapika could hook you up with a mob teacher.”

Gon could feel himself starting to vibrate with excitement. He’d managed his disappointment, his frustration with his slow rate of progress, and channeled his feelings into renewed determination so far. He’d tried to re-frame his lack of progress as a lesson in humility and self-control, both things that would make him mentally stronger in the long run. And since _nen_ was based on mental and emotional fortitude, that meant he’d be stronger in _nen_ in the long run 

In theory, at least...

“You think?” he said.

“Yeah, those guys are boneheads, you'll fit right in,” Killua said.

Which one of them was supposed to be the blunt one, again? 

Gon shoved him. “Thanks, Killua,” he said, but this time he meant it.

Killua shoved back and it turned into a wrestling match. They rolled around in the dirt gripping each other’s arms and trying to trap each other’s legs. It was nostalgic, though slightly different from before, somehow. 

Gon, remembering his previous train of thought, made a mental bet with himself. He’d consider the wrestling match a victory if he could get Killua to sweat. The whole time they’d spared, Killua had been cool, seemingly doing everything effortlessly. It was starting to wear on Gon, even though he loved his friend and was happy for him. Just a couple beads of sweat falling into his long pretty eyelashes, and they’d be even again. 

Nothing he did seemed to have much effect, though. Killua appeared to be sleepwalking through their match (which was only a match in Gon’s head, probably). 

And then, suddenly, in a position where Gon was holding Killua’s right arm down with two hands at his wrist, and had managed to trap one leg in both of his own, Gon could smell it. The heady, musky smell of Killua’s sweat. And beneath it, a sour smell.

Fear?

“Gon,” Killua said, voice steely. “Get off.”

“Why, do you give up?”

“Get off, Gon!” Killua shouted. He pushed at Gon’s forehead with his free hand. The air around them went acrid and sharp – the smell of an incoming storm. 

Gon wasn’t an idiot. He got off.

***

The run back to meet Kurapika and Leorio at the restaurant was awkward - something had changed from before. But as hard as Gon thought about it, he couldn’t figure out exactly what it was about their wrestling match that had spooked Killua. 

If Kurapika picked up on the tension between them, he said nothing. 

Leorio, though, was another matter. 

“What’s up with you guys?” He asked. “Something going on we should know about?”

Gon looked at Killua, but Killua avoided his gaze, as he had since the top of the mountain. “I think we’re okay,” Gon said. “But I’m not sure.”

That got Killua’s attention. “We’re fine,” he snapped. “It’s all in your head, old man.”

Leorio had the sense to look skeptical. “I dunno guys, I sense some awkwardness here. Sure you don’t wanna talk about it?”

“Everything’s fine. There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Ehhh….”

“Leorio, stop teasing them,” Kurapika said. “If they wanted to tell us what’s going on, they would.” 

That wasn’t the kind of defense Killua had been hoping for, but he’d take it if it meant getting Leorio off his case. That guy was way too cocky and nosey. Still, the questions had bothered him, for a few reasons. 

First, he hated that he was being obvious with his feelings. He wanted to keep secrets, but somehow he always seemed to give himself away. Alluka could read him like a book all the time, it was impossible to hide how he was feeling from her. And now Leorio, who Killua wasn’t even that close to, was doing the same thing. Soon even Gon, dense as he was, would get it. 

Secondly, this wasn’t Gon’s problem… this was only his problem. He was the only one who’d taken something innocent - Gon’s innocent request for his help - and turned it into something else. The only one who couldn’t control himself, who couldn’t keep things casual between them. Gon was entirely innocent in this, only Killua was acting weird. 

But the main thing that bothered him was that everything was going way too fast. They’d only met again a few days ago, and Killua had been very reluctant to do even that much. He’d been reluctant to spend time alone with Gon. 

And now, they had not only spent time alone together - but Gon had slept over twice - and he’d shared his doubts about _nen_ with Killua - and Killua had gotten a totally inappropriate boner - and now they were being referred to, again, collectively.

Leave _them_ alone. __

_ __ _

_ __ _

_If _they_ want to tell us what’s wrong, _they_ will. _

_Not, _I'm_ fine. _We're_ fine. _

It hurt more because Killua knew it was false - they weren’t a unit. Not like they’d been before.

“How do I eat this thing, anyway,” he asked.

Leorio lit up. “Let me show you!” he said. He picked the segmented fish off the table. Was it a fish? It looked more like a cockroach. A sea cockroach. This was a fancy place, with white tablecloths and fine silverware. Why were they serving sea cockroaches to innocent customers at such a nice place?

“First, you take the legs off, and suck out the meat inside. Then you take the tool on your plate, and you put it around the main body and break it up into pieces, like this…”

“Ew, gross. Why should I have to work so hard just to enjoy my meal?” Killua said.

“This is a delicacy, brat… it’s expensive…”

“Is this how it’s done?” Kurapika asked. He pulled every leg off efficiently, then quickly broke the shell into five exact segments. His movements were methodical and neat. 

“Yeah, but you should take some time to enjoy it,” Leorio said. “The experience is part of what you pay for.” 

“I see.” 

The ice was broken; the conversation moved on to the delicacies of their various countries. Gon participated in this conversation, explaining the best ways to prepare shellfish and how to dive for clams. Killua let himself relax a little, letting out a sigh of relief. 

Across the table, he could feel Gon’s eyes on him even as he answered Kurapika's questions. Would Gon let this go? Killua wondered. He was hard to predict sometimes. He might say nothing, or he might suddenly decide that his issue with Killua needed to be addressed right now. 

That unpredictability was what made him fun to hang out with. You really never knew what to expect, with Gon. 

Killua caught himself. 

_I thought I could do this_, he thought grimly. 

_But I can’t._

*** 

Without them discussing it, they walked together back to Killua and Alluka’s hotel. At the lobby, Killua hesitated. Would it be better to send Gon away now? But he owed Gon some kind of explanation first, and he didn’t want to explain himself in the lobby, where other people could overhear them. He sighed. 

It’d be better to have the discussion where they could have some privacy, probably. He walked through the lobby and pushed the button for his floor with Gon following close behind. 

Gon had been quiet since the restaurant, but his eyes had questions in them. Killua knew he’d have to face those questions sooner or later. _Let’s get this over with_, he thought sadly. 

Once they’d entered the suite, he stopped them in the front room. 

“Gon. We have to talk.” 

“About what?” 

“About this! It's happening way too fast.” 

“What’s happening way to fast, Killua?” Gon asked innocently. 

Killua ran his hand through his hair in frustration. He’d let his thoughts get ahead of his words, which was very unlike him. He’d have to back up, spell it out for Gon, so that he understood and could let Killua go. 

“Everything’s happening too fast!” he said. “We just met again and we're already going back to spending all our time together... Plus... Nevermind. It's too much, Gon. I'm not the person I was before. I have to think about Alluka now; I have to be careful.” 

Gon looked at him steadily, but sadly. 

“You’re always careful, Killua,” he said gently. 

“I am, but not with you! I let my guard down around you. Always.” Killua gave a twisted smile. “I thought this time might be different but it’s not.” 

“... Do you regret it?” Gon said. “Letting your guard down around me back then, I mean.” 

“Well… no. No. I don’t.” 

They just regarded each other for a moment. Gon seemed to be thinking, he was putting something together in his head. Killua was suddenly tired. He retreated to the living room and grabbed a single-serving bottle of wine from the hotel cooler, tossing another one to Gon. It wouldn’t affect him much but it was sweet and it’d give him something to focus on besides this. 

Besides Gon. 

“I don’t regret anything,” Gon told him seriously, following him into the room. “I don’t regret getting close to you. I'm glad I got to know you.” 

Killua laughed silently. Leave it to Gon to address, not the things he’d actually said, but the things he hadn’t said. Classic lateral thinking move. 

Gon, you dolt, he thought, with real affection. 

Still, Killua wasn’t just being paranoid here. He had actual concerns, this wasn’t just some gay panic thing. His emotions were too strong and all over the place but his concerns were real and they were based in reality. He needed to organize his thoughts a bit, to back up, and start over with Gon. So he could understand what Killua was about to do. 

He gave Gon a look, patted the seat next to him on the couch. Gon took it, with a little distance between them to show he respected Killua’s space. They didn’t look at each other, that was somehow too intimate. 

“Gon… you have to understand. I'm glad we met too, but it can't be like it was back then. I have to look after Alluka.” 

Killua had responsibilities now._ No one else_ would take care of Alluka, _or Killua_, ever again. Everything his family had done for him - or not done for him - Killua now had to do for both himself and for Alluka. He needed to be there for her, he was the only person in this world she could rely on. The only person responsible for her well-being, forever. He had an obligation to look after his sister that he couldn’t drop on a whim to spend time with Gon or run all over the world like before. 

He would never say he regretted his decision to rescue Alluka, never. But he had a weight on his shoulders that Gon, still a kid, wouldn’t be able to understand. 

“You're only sixteen Killua - you don't need to be an adult all the time,” Gon said gently. 

“You don’t get it. I do.” 

“You don't!” 

“I do!” 

They fought like that, childishly. Gon was still the same, still childish. And Killua, hanging around Gon, could feel himself becoming childish too. 

“You don't understand, Gon.” he said, looking away out the window. 

"I understand more than you think I do,” Gon said, hotly. The fire was back in his eyes but it was a low smolder, not an open flame. He was challenging Killua, but not to duke it out in a wrestling match or rock-paper-scissors contest or some other childish game that would be over quickly. He was prepared to fight a longer war. 

“Oh yeah?” 

“Yeah!” 

“Prove it, then,” Killua said. He couldn’t help it, being around Gon just brought out the most childishly competitive parts of him. 

Killua had never been a child, not really. And then, with Gon, he had been. For a year and a half they’d done childish things, played games, been treated kindly and helped along by not just Gon’s Aunt Mito but by a revolving door of other adult mentors and friends. 

It had been everything Killua had dreamed about, lonely and friendless on his family’s estate. He was finally a _normal kid_. 

All the way up until those last few, terrible months. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah!!! Prove it!!!!” 

He was being unreasonable. Gon didn’t have to prove anything to Killua. Gon was his own person. He didn’t have to prove anything to anyone. Besides, there was no proof Gon could offer that would cause Killua to change his mind. He was looking at the situation rationally, and doing what needed to be done. Regardless of how he personally felt about it. Because that was how it would have to be from now on. 

“I understand because... “ Gon paused a long moment. His eyes were bright. 

Tears? 

“I had to take care of Abe,” he told Killua. “At the end.” 

Huh? 

Killua started. He was surprised, and the surprise pulled him out of his thoughts. Suddenly he was focused on Gon, very small in front of him. 

He put a hand, cautiously, on Gon’s shoulder. 

“I’m sorry,” he said. “Did she...?” 

“She died last spring. That's why I stopped emailing you.” 

Killua suddenly felt awful. He’d been disappointed, but not surprised, by Gon’s lack of response at the time. But he’d misjudged the situation completely. 

“I'm sorry, I didn't know,” he said. 

“It's okay, I didn't tell you. I didn't want to worry you." 

They sat for a bit in silence. Killua didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t say anything - just kept his hand on Gon’s shoulder and rubbed it a bit, like he did with Alluka when she was having a hard time adjusting to the outside world. 

Eventually Gon spoke. 

“It’s okay Killua, it doesn’t hurt as much anymore. It was over a year ago. The first nine months were hard but after that everything was.. Normal? But different. I still think about Abe being gone sometimes but most of the time I don’t think about it.” 

“Aunt Mito took it harder than me though, I have to take care of her now.” 

Gon fell silent again. Killua closed the distance between them on the couch, and moved his hand to put an arm around Gon’s shoulders. Gon leaned in and put his head on Killua’s chest. 

They stayed like that for a moment, each lost in private thoughts. Killua wondered why Gon had felt he couldn't be trusted with this. It hurt to think that he'd been locked out Gon's private pain, _again_. But it was true that he'd been busy with problems of his own then. In any case, he wasn't so callous as to complain about that now, when Gon was clearly reliving his own loss. 

Sometimes the only thing you could do for your loved ones, was to be physically there for them when they needed you. 

Eventually Gon straightened and turned to Killua. From this close, Killua could see the determination shining in his eyes. 

“Anyway, this is the opposite of the problem we had before - where I pushed you away. Now I'm trying to get closer and you're the one who's trying to push me away! To protect yourself.” 

Killua was surprised, again. Would he ever stop being surprised by Gon? He’d known Gon was a deep, but unconventional thinker. However, Gon had never been the kind of person to deeply analyze the emotions of others - that was more in Killua’s wheelhouse. This was far more sophisticated thinking than he'd expected from Gon. What had changed? Was it because of what he’d said about Mito? Looking after her? 

“You realized that?” he said. 

“Yeah... Not right away but yeah... I always tried to say something... but it was never the right time. I want to respect you, Killua. I want to be careful of your feelings. I've been thinking about it a lot recently, how can I be more careful and think more…” 

Killua knew he had to guard himself. He _knew_ it. He knew he couldn’t let Gon in like he had before, and he knew that if he kept hanging around Gon, it was going to happen. 

But... 

“I liked your attitude then,” he admitted. “When you just rushed in without thinking and dragged me with you... I liked that about you.” 

“I liked your caution,” Gon said. “I liked that we were different. You had something I didn't have. Something I wanted to have.” 

Killua had sometimes had this conversation with other people - about the ways in which he and Gon were different, but complementary. But he’d never had this conversation with Gon. Had he been underestimating Gon this whole time? 

“Same.” he said. “I knew I thought too much... I knew I needed to just get out of my head and do stuff sometimes. Spontaneously. Like you do.” 

*** 

Gon knew he should be careful. He knew he had a tendency to rush in too quickly, to act without thinking. He _knew_ that. But... 

“Killua, will you go out with me?” 

***

Fin! 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments appreciated!


End file.
